Staying Somewhere

1. Stan moved into a manager's apartment on a Friday. Friday before his first day. Which makes sense. However, when his work term ended...

Landlord (manager at work): "Hey, when do you think you're moving out?"
Stan: "Oh...I dunno...Friday...maybe Saturday, maybe Sunday, maybe Monday."

Friday rolled around. He hadn't finished packing. And he lounged around all day after work. Saturday came. He didn't finish packing and kept lounging around. Sunday came...

Landlord: "So, when did you think you were leaving?"
Stan: "Haven't decided yet."
Landlord: "Ok. Get out. Today."

2. Our company has a bare minimum number of weeks that they like summer interns to work. The summer is fairly short, so most people don't stay much longer past the minumum of 10, but Stan wanted to repeat what he did last fall and stay as long as he could. His first week at work, apparently, something like this happened:

HR: "Stan, how long did you want to work?"
Stan: "Well, I started May 19th...and school starts Aug 28th. I can work *I imagine he whipped out his phone calendar* til Aug 22nd."
HR: "COMPANY NAME HERE has a minimum of 10 weeks for summer interns."
Stan: "Oh, that's way beyond 10 weeks. I should be fine."
HR: "We want you to leave after 10 weeks."

3. Stan did end up getting a full time offer for the company. Surprising many people. Supposedly the people here had extremely low expectations for him. And he mighta exceeded them.

4. The managers here are ridiculously upset that he got a full time offer. Like...more upset than I was puzzled. Actually, they're more upset and puzzled..more than...uh...more than Dark Knight had made money.

His Final Presentation

1. He still has shitty powerpoints of all text that he reads off of. This time he didn't even bother like trying to learn what he was gonna say as he stumbled pretty much every slide...even the background slide about himself.

2. He still clicks the clicker (mouse) as if breaking the mouse and making a loud noise every minute will make his presentation better.

3. I was wondering why Stan wanted to only work 10 weeks. Last time, he worked near 20, and 10 is the minimum number of weeks interns are supposed to work. With his start date, it gave him a month of nothing to do. I don't know how true this is, but one of the other interns told me that they called Stan into HR's office and told him that NOMNOMNOMOMGFORGOTANDACTUALLYPUTCOMPANYNAMEHEREFORTHELONGESTTIME wanted him to work the bare minimum 10 weeks and leave.

Updatesville

New (Long) Post!

1. Intern 1: "Where's Intern 3? We're all supposed to be having a meeting!"
Intern 2: "Oh she told me she's not coming, project meeting or something."
Stan: "I'll call her anyway."

True to his word, he was on his phone 5 seconds later.

Stan: "Oh ok. So you're not coming? Ok. Bye. She's not coming guys."

Thanks, Stan, where would we be if you didn't needlessly confirm something we all knew every 5 seconds?

2. Manager: "So we need someone else to drive people to the airport for the trip."
Stan: "I'll drive, I have a Honda CR-V."
*momentary silence*
Stan: "It's got a lot of room."

3. Stan pretty much insisted on driving for the next two days. Then he told everyone how he wouldn't be able to drive anyone back from the airport. At the time, this was a huge problem. 13 people...and up to a carload can't leave? Thanks, Stan, for offering something halfway, really. Thank God we managed to have differing plans for the weekend and we only needed 2 cars to get everyone.

4. Intern X: "Could you give me some advice on picking cameras?"
Me: "Yeah, sure! No problem!"
X: "Uh, not like yours. Like a normal camera." (I give up, we all know who writes this fucking thing.)
Me: "Oh yeah, like a point and shoot then?"
X: "Yes, thinner maybe?"
Me: "Thinner ones usually take crappy photos...I'll look for a decent point and shoot that's not too bulky."
X: "Oh great! Thanks!"
Stan: "You should get one with a massive zoom."
Me: "...Ok...X, do you need a massive zoom? What kind of pictures do you think you're going to take?"
X: "Nothing to special, like normal hanging out ones."
Me: "Ok, so a massive zoom would be totally unnecessary...plus massive zooms make the camera very large."
Stan: "I like my 12x zoom."
Me: "Great."
Stan: "Yeah, I like to take a lot of landscape photos, so I need a huge zoom."
Me: "...uh...for landscape photos....you don't need a huge zoom. In fact, you should generally be looking at a very wide angle lens."
Stan: "Really?"
Me: (let's keep in mind...what I do for a hobby.) ".....Yes."

To be fair, there are times when telephoto (sorry, I couldn't dumb myself down anymore) lenses are good for landscapes. I really don't think Stan knows when it's good.

5. Trip time! I got stuck riding in Stan's car. Again. It was not fun. I probably should've guessed as much when he was telling me how to load stuff into his car. Which was empty.

6. Intern Alpha: "Where are you from anyway, coworker?"
Me: "From near Boston, if you're from the area, I'd say near Braintree."
Alpha: "OH ok, cool, my bf is from there!"
Me: "Oh nice!"
Stan: "I know Braintree!"
Me: "....*knowing he like...never leaves his home state unless he's visiting family...who don't live in my states*...really."
Stan: "Yeah, John Quincy Adams and John Adams were born there!"
Me: "*sigh*....well, technically, Braintree and its neighboring town have traded territories several times, so that's debatable."
Stan: "Oh."

7. Intern X started a discussion about wearing seat belts in the backseat and how she hates it since it's uncomfortable. We all talked in the car about why we wear belts in the backseat. Stan then described why we should wear seatbelts in the front passenger and driver seats for like 5 minutes. Until I was like "dude, get on topic, we're not talking about front seats." Then he got it.

8. Intern X: "I like my Subaru, cuz the Boxer engine gives it a nice low center of gravity."
Stan: "Yeah, I don't have that low center of gravity, my spare tire on the back screws it up."
*awkward silence*
Me: "....dude, I don't think that's really a factor...you drive an SUV, which is raised higher in general, with an I-4 mounted high in the front of the car. Your tire weighs like 40 pounds at most and your engine weighs at least 400-500 pounds."
Stan: "...Oh...I guess. I still think my tire screws with it."
Me: "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

9. Stan tried to have a competition with me about cars and offroad capability. Specifically about skid plates on cars. With me. I drive a fucking Jeep, motherfucker. Yes, I have skid-fucking-plates. No, of course your shitty compact crossover SUV wouldn't have skid plates, it doesn't even have a good engine. Now shut your goddamn mouth until you say something else short-bussy and quotable.

10. HE DRIVES SO BADLY 2 PEOPLE IN THE CAR GOT MOTION SICK. He would like....JERK the wheel 30 degrees to go against a smooth curve in the road. He also doesn't see why you should slowly decelerate to stop signs...

11. Reread number 10.

Did you do that? Good.

Stan: "There are SO many BAD drivers on the road!!!"
Me: (I've gotten so motion sick, I've pretty much lost my internal monologue at this point)"....Wow. I was about to say something very mean."
X: "Yeah, I totally agree."

12. Stan: "We're here! We're at the finish line!"

Stan then tried to give a high five to Intern X. By placing his hand literally in front of her boobs. It was dead quiet in the car for like 10 seconds. Then she moved his hand away...and he punched her flirtingly in the arm.

13. Stan: "Whenever you see me talking to a random person, I probably know them."

You wish Stan. More likely, you're bothering them, especially when you find out you have less than 3 degrees of separation from them.

14. Manager, as we're following the car Stan's in: "I can tell he's in there by the shape of his head."

15. In an elevator with Stan:
Intern South1: "Oh yeah, he's the person I was telling you about."
Intern South2: "Eh?"
IS1: "He's like a plant version of Alex."
IS2: "Oh. I mean, uh, good!"

16. We were walking through the airport when I saw some pretty awesome architecture. I started my previsualization so that I could imagine the shot before I took it. I made this kinda obvious as I slowed my walking down and started looking around.

Stan, after watching me for like 30 seconds, turned to Intern X and said "This architecture looks pretty significant." And whipped his phone out in like 2 seconds before I could even open my bag. Possibly to make it seem like I was copying his shots to the rest of the (very tardy) group.

I try not to see too much of Stan this summer, I feel very uncomfortable around him.

Renew!

More posts!

1. Stan talked constantly about how his 21st birthday was coming up. Mostly to the twins. He then looked up the caloric value of beer and debated drinking since he didn't want a beer belly.

2. Stan told this to some of us:

"Hey, I just had a brilliant idea! You know how they keep complaining that it costs more to make a penny than it's worth? Well why not get some chemical engineers in there and have them make it cheaper? I'm going to be so successful when I'm in the business world."

3. He also said this to people who were not me. Nor were they in earshot of me because I would've ripped him a new one. Especially with a post that comes later!

"I almost saved the company I co-oped for half a million dollars. Too bad they said it was against the rules. Darn patents and stuff."

4. A lot of people were in a small apartment having a party. Like 20 people? With alcohol? On a 93+ degree day.

Girl that Stan has been hitting on pretty much every single time I see them together: "It's really hot in here."
Stan: "It's because I'm here."

5. Same girl as in Number 4 drives a 10 year old beat up Subaru. Stan said it'd be cool to pimp.

6. Stan was wearing the shirt with distillation columns at work and decided to tell everyone else about how much better our major is TO people. And explaining why the shirt was so good.

7. Stan eavesdropped on a conversation about computers and started talking about his work computer and all the programs it has. Which, by extension, are all the programs that EVERYONE has. And if they don't have them? Clicking like 4 links gets them downloaded.

8. Lastly! Remember number 3?

Young Manager 1: "Did Stan cause a Quality Incident last fall?"
Young Manager 2: "I don't think so, since if he did, he would not get invited back this summer."

Stan's former officemate: "Now remember, if you do run anything, say, you run an experiment to test a new kind of glue. Make sure that you put the product on hold or else it becomes a QI and there's all kinds of trouble."
Girl now working in Stan's former department: "Has that ever happened before?"
SFO: "Stan did it last fall."

Remember, as co-ops, companies are legally bound to let us serve 2 terms.

Enjoy!

Long Time, But Was It Worth It?

1. I went to office hours for help on some homework. Naturally, since our homework seems fucking impossible in this specific class, there was a line. I think I was 3rd. Stan was 5th. He wanted to have a conversation with slot number 4.

Stan: "Yeah, so I forget what my file's called, but it's on my flash drive."
Number 4: "That's great."
Stan: *takes out flash drive with as much flair as he can...while it's attached to a neck lanyard and like 6 keys* "On my flash drive that's right here."

For some reason, he still believes that conversations are only him talking. He continued by...narrating...his phone call list...like who he called, who called him, etc. Then he described the virtues of his standard flash drive and the wonders of the flash drive market.

2. I went to the computer lab to try to print some stuff. All the computers were taken and I knew I'd only be around for like 20 seconds. I saw one computer that was unoccupied, but someone had logged in on it. There was also no screensaver or lock or anything, so the person probably just went up to the bathroom. The person sitting right next to the computer was, unfortunately, Stan. I was in a rush and asked him about the computer.

Me: "Who was using this computer?"
Stan: "That was.........................someone who was just using that recently, he was just here."
Me: *under breath* ".....fucking useless." *Proceeds to use computer and print*

3. From someone older and more experienced with Stan:
"In the middle of your exam, Stan started cracking up for no reason. First, I thought he mighta been losing it or something. When I graded his exam, I realized that he was indeed laughing. The part of the exam where your professor wrote that another professor was a master on the subject? Yeah, he wrote out 'LOL.' There was also a diagram that was designed to help us solve a question. Some of us didn't use it. Stan was also one of those people. He wrote: 'I didn't know how to use this diagram.' And then drew a foot in mouth smiley face all over the page."

4. There are two twins that are classmates of ours. That one sentence, btw, has probably done more to give away the secrecy of this blog than anything else. Anyway, apparently Stan told one of them "You know, you're sister's a lot smarter than you are." That's a rumor. Supposedly, he kept talking to them and eventually one of them just said "SHUT UP YOU ARE SO OBNOXIOUS." Also, a rumor?

What isn't a rumor?

Me: "So...how do you two feel about him anyway?"
Twin 1: ".....We think he's really obnoxious....and offensive...so we just do the same thing back to him whenever we talk to him."
Me: "I see. Listen, take these cards. Go there when you're bored."

Fuck. I had more notes, but they're not showing up in my notepad. This update was kinda disappointing for me, actually.

OMG UPDATE WTF BBQ

GOTCHA!!!!

No seriously, maybe this weekend. Just pretend this is a late April Fools' Day joke.

Back Again

Hey, I have a meeting soonish, so this will be a brief post. Any content is good content right?

1. Stan and I are in the same major at school. Our major is pretty much measured by our two capstone courses; these courses really test students and are pretty much the whole point of studying this major (imo). Stan was telling other people that he wanted to find a hard working group so that he wouldn't have to do any work in these courses. He also wanted to take them pass/fail.

2. Stan spent a long time bragging about "getting a Master's" in a semester. He changed this to getting an MEng in a semester after he got back to school, or graduating a semester early.
He told some people that his advisor told him he wasn't smart enough.

3. Stan tried to graph a temperature or pressure profile with a donut graph. Here is info on donut graphs: http://ib005.k12.sd.us/Excel%20WebQuest/donut_chart.htm

When he told me what he did, he complained:

"Donut graphs were so useless! It just made concentric circles!"

4. Stan and I are in the same extracurricular academic club. However, he has never done any work for his position...and thinks he's doing his job right. Our constitution allows people to nominate themselves for elections. Stan had taken advantage of this fact (and the willingness of seniors to play pranks on us) to get his position. He had this conversation with some other people:

Stan: "So, what're you gonna nominate yourself for?"
Girl: ".....I'm not nominating myself for anything...that seems pretty pointless."
Guy: "Yeah, if you have to nominate yourself for something, you're probably not going to get it anyway."
Girl: "Yeah...it'd also be kinda sad."

.....Stan....went....and nominated himself for pretty much every position he was eligible for. He, unsurprisingly, lost every election. He proceeded to tell our outgoing president the following:

"You guys should change the constitution so that if someone runs for almost every position, they should at least get something."

And walked out.

5. We had an exam where we were supposed to analyze a graph, use equations, and come up with constants in the equations. There was a given condition that made us able to do the problems. After the exam, Stan was yelling his methodology to a female classmate.

Stan: "Yeah, so you have that given condition?"
Girl: *Looks disinterested* "Sure."
Stan: "Yeah, then, you just take the numbers off the graph. So-"
Girl turns away from Stan. Like....full back to him.
Stan: *steps in FRONT of girl* "Boom, no math.

6. We were in the computer lab and the solutions to the exam were posted. Stan looked up the solutions and insisted that "everything looks familiar, so I'm sure I aced it." Despite the fact that there was, actually, some decent math.

7. Still in the same computer lab, he was supposed to finish a pset for his partner. He started talking about his waterproof phone to two people, and I started to burst out laughing and had to leave the lab for a good three minutes to calm down. When I reentered the lab, two of my friends looked at me and giggled, forcing me to leave for another three minutes.

8. We're all still in the computer lab, Stan walked up to a person who worked at our Co-Op location before we did and bragged about policy changes that we benefited from. Specifically vacation days. Stan talked about them for a long time.

9. Also in the computer lab, Stan bragged about the professors he has or has had during the summer to other kids. He most definitely has not progressed past two words on the pset.

Also, he's being annoying.

10. Aaaaand from a friend of ours:

Stan consulting with TA over something...TA looks tired
Other student: "Hey TA, I have a question."
TA: "On what?"
OS: "Just come over here. I need you to explain something to me."
TA leaves Stan and heads towards OS.
OS: "I actually didn't have a question, you just looked distressed talking to Stan, so I called you over."

Oh wait, I finished my posts. Yay! Fast typing! Hope this meets the usual quality.

First in a Long Time

Hey, sorry, haven't really had time to post anything.

Stan's actually sitting 2 rows away from me right now.

1. We had a pretty bad storm during the winter that froze everything that fell. I went outside to clean the ice off my windshield and so did Stan.

Me: *Scraping politely*
Stan: "Hey, do you have to fight your car to get the ice off?"
Me: "....uh...no....actually."

2. His idea to clean his car's windshield was to slam on the hood of the car three times. He then executed this idea. To little result.

3. The other day I walked into the hallway to see Stan brushing his teeth and such in the hallway sink. Him using mouthwash is like the most disgusting thing you could imagine. The directions recommend like...what...2/3 of an ounce? Not even a shotglass of mouthwash. Stan definitely just filled his mouth with the stuff since when he went to spit it out, he was pouring mouthwash out of his mouth for a full 4 seconds. Try spitting. See how long it takes. Now you know.

Also, he decided not to bend down to the sink to avoid splashback. He just tilted his head a little bit and opened the valve that is his mouth.

4. Stan was moving out and he made a huge deal about how he was moving the toaster oven out. I know, Stan, it's yours. Keep it. Honestly, my notes just say "moving toaster oven out." It's been so long that I've forgotten what that means.

5. Stan wanted to take his food with him when he went home.

Stan: "Could you label the stuff in the fridge that's yours?"
Me: "....It's already split like...level by level or straight down the middle. Also...just...don't take what isn't yours."
Stan: "Yeah, but it'd be easier for me if everything was labeled."
Me: "...."

6. I stopped talking or making sound for a few minutes. So did he. Suddenly:

Stan: "You there?"
Me: "....Yeah...?"
Stan: "Oh, ok, so I found this random thing on the internet..."

Shame on me for thinking he was asking about my concern, like I suddenly fell over and died or something.

7. Stan walked by my room and loudly said "Why is my bank account so big, oh right, I remember."

8. My notes just say "water dries." I think he was wondering why he had something damp that simply became dry, but I can't remember.

9. Stan: "I took a space heater from upstairs (landlady's house). I'll just leave it here next to your room."
Me: "...Shouldn't you....put the space heater back where you found it?"
Stan: "No, it's fine here. You can move it."
Me: "....I have no idea where you got that from. Also, it'd be inconvenient for our landlady since she'll probably look for the space heater..."
Stan: "Nah, it's fine."
Me: "...Just put it back."
Stan: "Fine."

10. Stan: "Are you bringing stuff home for Christmas?"
Me: "I have like a 6 hour drive, and it would just make things difficult. Especially since I'd just have to bring it back to school."
Stan: "Yeah, that's why I like only living 2 hours away from here. I'll just bring it all back, and if I wanted to, I could come back and just get more stuff. Plus it's easy for me to drop it back off at school."

Stan? Bragging? Nooooo... Never happens.

11. Stan: "Huh, I didn't remember eating this soup, but the can's empty and I have a dirty bowl and spoon, so I must've."

12. We came back to school, and I thought I wouldn't have to write this blog as much. Nope. Stan spent pretty much the first week repeating other people's answers in class. Just saying them about 10 times louder.

13. Stan was eating a cookie loudly. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT

14. We have a computer lab at school. 1/3 are nice, new computers. The other 2/3 are slower, beat up, older computers, but still usable. Stan was like yelling at someone or about something about how the older computers aren't that much slower. Even though they ARE significantly slower. After the speech, Stan went and took a newer computer.

15. Someone had printed their schedule three times, and to shame the mystery person, the extra copies were hung on the wall. Several seniors were taking a break or something and reading the schedule. Stan jumped out of his chair and tried to make small talk with the seniors and seem popular. By reading the schedule louder than everyone else. Word for word.

16. Stan: *Bragging* "I have a friend who has 763 Facebook friends at this school."

Stan, first off, that says nothing about your OWN popularity. Second, the amount of people who actually like that "763 friends" person are countable on one hand.

17. Stan: "If you don't have your number in your Facebook profile, why have a Facebook account?"

There's plenty of reasons, Stan. Social/professional networking, photo sharing, event planning. Basically, just because you use it solely to stalk the hell out of people (myself included), doesn't mean everyone else does.

18. I was walking to my mailbox when I saw Stan walking tough and muscular. I lol'd

19. Our professor asked us which TV scientist claimed that explosions were when "things get very large very fast." TV. Scientist. Explosions. Stan claimed that Mr. Rogers was the one who said this. Yes, endearing, sweater-wearing, Mr. Rogers.

20. I was looking for a professor and couldn't find him in his office. I then walked to his graduate students' offices, which were right outside our mailboxes. Stan arrived and was checking his mailbox while staring at me. I was peering into the windows to see if the professor was in the grad student offices. When I didn't see him, I began to open the door so I could ask one of the grad students. My hand was 2 inches from the handle when:

Stan: "Who are you looking for?"
Me: "...Professor [soandso]."
Stan: "Never heard of him."
Me: "....*opens door*"

I knew that, Stan. I also know that you don't know any of the grad students in the room.

More will come later, I'm tired.

From the Ashes.

Welcome back. I realized that this blog's popularity had far exceeded my initial expectations. I decided to restart the blog. After all, Stan will always be Stan. I have a feeling that updates will be even more sporadic since I won't interact with Stan as much as I did before, but there will be content posted.

Also, my time back here at school has shown me the wonders of young students taking freshman classes. Look to the right to see the link to what will be nicknamed the "Econ Blog."

Lastly, I found 3 entries in my notes that need to be posted. Yes, it's true, I forgot to post some content! Look for it soon.

Over

My time living with Stan came to an end a few weeks ago.  I wanted to put up one last post fixing an apparent goof I made.

Stan's phone does have voice dialing.  He just:

1.  Didn't use it for some reason or another for a year.  Probably because he didn't know how.
2.  He used voice dialing while holding the phone as if he was only pressing buttons.  So, screen about 16 inches away from face.  He only used it while sitting around doing nothing.  Not while driving or doing something else that required both hands.

Enjoy!