1. S2 didn't believe he should tip people. He claims his jobs in retail and as a custodian were far worse. He didn't tip until some of us lectured him about it. I guess he didn't know that waitstaff get paid under minimum wage because they're expected to make up the difference in tips.

One time we went to a bar and he wanted to close his tab. S2 raised his credit card and held it out like he was royalty, expecting the bartender to come immediately to close the tab. Bartender was busy, couldn't come right away, S2 got mad and wondered what was wrong with the service.

Another time, a group of 8 of us walked into the restaurant portion of the place and sat down for dinner. Waitress was busy and tried to keep up with our orders and requests. Once, she came over and asked us if we wanted water. Loudly...so that we could all hear. A few people said yes. But not S2. She came back with waters and S2 looked angry and said "where's mine?" The waitress left to take care of 3 other tables and walked by us with plates in all of her arms. S2 had raised his hand and was waving. When she rushed by and didn't see, he basically yelled "WELL SOMEONE'S NOT GETTING A TIP".

Last time in the bar (for now). We're eating dinner. I buy a pitcher for me and a friend since I owe him. S2 pours himself a glass of beer. He orders a $6 meal. He threw in $10 for all of his stuff. He got upset when we didn't give him change back. We told him that whatever was left of his $10 was absorbed into the tip. He said he "expected $10 to last longer".

2. S2 has a tendency to come to my cube and do work. While he's working, he talks to himself. One time:

"So then I carry this...take the derivative...I have a really bad habit of talking aloud....mostly to myself...maybe I should stop...but I continue with this...and the boundary condition is this..."

3. I had to tell S2 to "use his inside voice" because he was so loud. He's older than me. I had to tell a grown man to use his inside voice.

He didn't hear. Precisely because he wasn't using his goddamn inside voice.

4. S2 has a tendency to open himself up to bad things happening to him...and then he gets upset and claims it isn't his fault. He went to see the professor for help on a problem, the professor said "your solution looks a lot like coworkerofstan's, did you work together?"

The correct answer was no. And that's true, as we did not work together except for one part where we both got stuck and we simply bounced ideas off of each other. S2's answer: "Is that a problem?"

The professor gave us a lecture on copying hw solutions and working in groups during class that day. S2 said the professor was being ridiculous. I sternly told him that he royally fucked up by answering that question improperly. What happened next?

S2: "Well, if I said 'no, I didn't work with coworkerofstan' it would have been untrue since I got to that point when I was sitting next to you in your cube"

Me: "....that doesn't mean I worked with you on it. in fact, we worked separately until that difficult point, and we didn't write down the same thing for what happened after"

He then said something about how I just wouldn't get it.

5. S2 told a story about how awful working in industry is. He said his 1st week at his 1st internship, he got sprayed/covered with resin while changing a pump filter. The reason? He screwed up and didn't tighten one screw correctly. For some reason, that became industry's fault...and he was "lucky to not get fired"

1. S2 gave me a lecture on how the moon affects tides. Apparently, he had to look this up online and was fascinated by the fact that the moon causes high/low tide. When he asked me if I knew this amazing fact, I said simply "Yes, the moon being closer to the earth on one side causes water to be drawn there, thus creating high tide near the moon and low tide away from it on the other side of the earth." He claimed that I didn't understand how the moon could do this and that there was no point explaining it to me because I "wouldn't get it".

I guess he missed this day in elementary school when tides were explained?

2. S2 claims that a "good thermo problem" is to explain why it takes longer for 2 turkeys to cook in an oven than 1 turkey. When my friend responded "...it's because there's greater mass to heat up", S2 replied, "no that's wrong."

3. He had said conversation while I was on the phone with my dad. I could not hear my dad on the phone because S2 was yelling. This resulted in the following:

Friend: "Dude, lower your voice, he's on the phone and it sounds really important."

S2: "What? Are you telling me to shut up?"

Friend: "NO, he's on the freaking phone!"

4. We were stuck on a hw problem. S2 came over to my cube and wanted to check his work. He did some stuff wrong and completely overreacted to needing to correct it. Whatevs. After we were on the same page, I said I felt tired and wanted to call it a night to try to go sleep. He didn't leave. I said this another 3 times. He didn't get it. He stayed put and kept trying, uselessly, to solve the problem. I then said, "dude, i'm going to ask the professor tomorrow, i'm just going to call it a night". He nodded, said ok, then kept working. When he expressed his frustration at not being able to solve the problem (yet again), I said "This is why i've already said 4 times that I'm calling it a night and want to go home". He said fine and did not leave my cube. After trying for another 10 minutes and not getting anywhere, he said he was frustrated again, to which I said "YES, this is why I said 5 times already that I am calling it a night and want to go home."

He got upset at me for saying that. Let's recap: he invites himself over, I help him, he's still stuck, I say do it tomorrow a few times, he's still stuck and won't leave my cube, and then when I say "that's enough" he gets upset at me.

5. S2 decided not to even look at one of our homework assignments until 7 pm the night before. He became a whiny bitch about it for the whole night. We all had to help him get caught up to where we were, which took 3 days, in order to get him to shut up. We also had to learn his unique way to code the problems due to his insistence on not using the sample code provided. His excuses for not looking at the pset earlier?

1. "I did other homeworks" (so did everyone else)

2. "I forgot my power cable, so I can't code on a dead laptop." (he forgot it TWICE in 2 days)

3. "I helped other people do other homework" (so did I)

4. "I thought the hw would take 30 mins"

He spent the days beforehand Skype-ing with his GF, watching YouTube, reading Gizmodo, and drawing cartoons for our professor.

Oh man, I have to write the tip stories here later. But I have class stuff to do now.

Like a Phoenix...

Hey,

So, the real Stan has moved on past my jurisdiction. The latest thing I know is that he opened his big mouth for a magazine and talked about how amazing his major is for getting him a job he "didn't fit into" (or deserve, but the article didn't mention that...neither did he)...granted, that industry loves ChemE's...so...technically, not a big surprise...oh wait...you say you're in the paper and pulp industry? Stan, you're oh so wrong again! You're in consumer products.

Nevertheless, his reign of terror has momentarily ended. But...can Stan ever truly...move on? There will always be a Stan. None will ever surpass the original (I pray), but I think I have found a decent enough substitute for now. He has chosen, through his actions, attitude, and asshole-ishness (at times) to take up the sacred mantle, and his stories shall be told here.

Stan I: 2006-2009.

Stan II: 2009-

1. Stan II shares a few attributes with his forebear...interrupting conversations, stuck-up "I'm better than you" attitude, lack of social skills...not to the same extremes, but he adds one more dimension: whining. S2 whines about every possible disturbance in his life. And based off his reactions, if something slightly bad happens to him, it becomes the worst thing to happen to anyone ever.

2. S2 asked me to help me move his stuff into his room. I said sure, but I wouldn't be back for an hour. He said he'd wait. So, I get back to the dorm and call him up. In an hour, he had managed to find a cart to move all of his stuff. Great, I think, all the stuff will move faster. Then he opens his car.

All of his stuff is in small boxes and none of them are heavy. He waited an hour for me to help him move stuff he could have easily moved by himself within that same time period...it took us like 20-25 minutes to move it all.

Then, he talked on the phone while I unloaded his stuff from the car. He also insisted on showing me everything and anything he found interesting in his pile of stuff.

S2, how could a machete be useful in a dorm. Fer srs. Why did you bring a space heater with you if you're specifically prohibited from bringing them? Why on earth do you have so much stuff to fit in a 10x15 DOUBLE?

3. S2 insists on not taking notes in some of our classes...then he gets surprised when he doesn't know a technique we learned in class. He also got upset when he missed a TA office hour...because he arranged for a meeting with a professor at the same time.

4. S2 is extraordinarily condescending in tone when you ask him for help...even though he is one of only a few ChemE's who can't extract data from a steam table or who have never seen a Mollier diagram.

5. S2 learned thermodynamics from the professor who wrote the book we're getting example problems from. As expected, he has a big head about it. Surprisingly, he never understands the problems we do from the book...even though he has a copy of the book...and has surely done all of them before.

6. S2 has a girlfriend...that he yells at when she asks him for help on questions and she doesn't get it after a poor explanation.

OH

7. I've had several discussions with S2 on how to do some of our homework problems. Several times, we disagree on something...and he always insists he is right...even when I prove him wrong. He then claims that we were talking about something different to begin with. Granted, if you rewind the conversations...that's obviously not true.

8. You've taken...what'd you tell me...3 classes of linear algebra? How do you NOT know that the complex conjugate of a real, symmetric matrix (Hermitian) is its transpose? It's on frakking wiki. The professor TOLD US in class.

9. We get it. You're mixed Chinese and German. That does not make you specially diverse. Stop talking and bragging about it.

10. I have a new Macbook Pro. We are all in agreement that it is shiny. However, I do not feel comfortable when you say:

"I like my black Macbook, but every time I look at your computer, I fly into a jealous rage."

Staying Somewhere

1. Stan moved into a manager's apartment on a Friday. Friday before his first day. Which makes sense. However, when his work term ended...

Landlord (manager at work): "Hey, when do you think you're moving out?"
Stan: "Oh...I dunno...Friday...maybe Saturday, maybe Sunday, maybe Monday."

Friday rolled around. He hadn't finished packing. And he lounged around all day after work. Saturday came. He didn't finish packing and kept lounging around. Sunday came...

Landlord: "So, when did you think you were leaving?"
Stan: "Haven't decided yet."
Landlord: "Ok. Get out. Today."

2. Our company has a bare minimum number of weeks that they like summer interns to work. The summer is fairly short, so most people don't stay much longer past the minumum of 10, but Stan wanted to repeat what he did last fall and stay as long as he could. His first week at work, apparently, something like this happened:

HR: "Stan, how long did you want to work?"
Stan: "Well, I started May 19th...and school starts Aug 28th. I can work *I imagine he whipped out his phone calendar* til Aug 22nd."
HR: "COMPANY NAME HERE has a minimum of 10 weeks for summer interns."
Stan: "Oh, that's way beyond 10 weeks. I should be fine."
HR: "We want you to leave after 10 weeks."

3. Stan did end up getting a full time offer for the company. Surprising many people. Supposedly the people here had extremely low expectations for him. And he mighta exceeded them.

4. The managers here are ridiculously upset that he got a full time offer. Like...more upset than I was puzzled. Actually, they're more upset and puzzled..more than...uh...more than Dark Knight had made money.

His Final Presentation

1. He still has shitty powerpoints of all text that he reads off of. This time he didn't even bother like trying to learn what he was gonna say as he stumbled pretty much every slide...even the background slide about himself.

2. He still clicks the clicker (mouse) as if breaking the mouse and making a loud noise every minute will make his presentation better.

3. I was wondering why Stan wanted to only work 10 weeks. Last time, he worked near 20, and 10 is the minimum number of weeks interns are supposed to work. With his start date, it gave him a month of nothing to do. I don't know how true this is, but one of the other interns told me that they called Stan into HR's office and told him that NOMNOMNOMOMGFORGOTANDACTUALLYPUTCOMPANYNAMEHEREFORTHELONGESTTIME wanted him to work the bare minimum 10 weeks and leave.

Updatesville

New (Long) Post!

1. Intern 1: "Where's Intern 3? We're all supposed to be having a meeting!"
Intern 2: "Oh she told me she's not coming, project meeting or something."
Stan: "I'll call her anyway."

True to his word, he was on his phone 5 seconds later.

Stan: "Oh ok. So you're not coming? Ok. Bye. She's not coming guys."

Thanks, Stan, where would we be if you didn't needlessly confirm something we all knew every 5 seconds?

2. Manager: "So we need someone else to drive people to the airport for the trip."
Stan: "I'll drive, I have a Honda CR-V."
*momentary silence*
Stan: "It's got a lot of room."

3. Stan pretty much insisted on driving for the next two days. Then he told everyone how he wouldn't be able to drive anyone back from the airport. At the time, this was a huge problem. 13 people...and up to a carload can't leave? Thanks, Stan, for offering something halfway, really. Thank God we managed to have differing plans for the weekend and we only needed 2 cars to get everyone.

4. Intern X: "Could you give me some advice on picking cameras?"
Me: "Yeah, sure! No problem!"
X: "Uh, not like yours. Like a normal camera." (I give up, we all know who writes this fucking thing.)
Me: "Oh yeah, like a point and shoot then?"
X: "Yes, thinner maybe?"
Me: "Thinner ones usually take crappy photos...I'll look for a decent point and shoot that's not too bulky."
X: "Oh great! Thanks!"
Stan: "You should get one with a massive zoom."
Me: "...Ok...X, do you need a massive zoom? What kind of pictures do you think you're going to take?"
X: "Nothing to special, like normal hanging out ones."
Me: "Ok, so a massive zoom would be totally unnecessary...plus massive zooms make the camera very large."
Stan: "I like my 12x zoom."
Me: "Great."
Stan: "Yeah, I like to take a lot of landscape photos, so I need a huge zoom."
Me: "...uh...for landscape photos....you don't need a huge zoom. In fact, you should generally be looking at a very wide angle lens."
Stan: "Really?"
Me: (let's keep in mind...what I do for a hobby.) ".....Yes."

To be fair, there are times when telephoto (sorry, I couldn't dumb myself down anymore) lenses are good for landscapes. I really don't think Stan knows when it's good.

5. Trip time! I got stuck riding in Stan's car. Again. It was not fun. I probably should've guessed as much when he was telling me how to load stuff into his car. Which was empty.

6. Intern Alpha: "Where are you from anyway, coworker?"
Me: "From near Boston, if you're from the area, I'd say near Braintree."
Alpha: "OH ok, cool, my bf is from there!"
Me: "Oh nice!"
Stan: "I know Braintree!"
Me: "....*knowing he like...never leaves his home state unless he's visiting family...who don't live in my states*...really."
Stan: "Yeah, John Quincy Adams and John Adams were born there!"
Me: "*sigh*....well, technically, Braintree and its neighboring town have traded territories several times, so that's debatable."
Stan: "Oh."

7. Intern X started a discussion about wearing seat belts in the backseat and how she hates it since it's uncomfortable. We all talked in the car about why we wear belts in the backseat. Stan then described why we should wear seatbelts in the front passenger and driver seats for like 5 minutes. Until I was like "dude, get on topic, we're not talking about front seats." Then he got it.

8. Intern X: "I like my Subaru, cuz the Boxer engine gives it a nice low center of gravity."
Stan: "Yeah, I don't have that low center of gravity, my spare tire on the back screws it up."
*awkward silence*
Me: "....dude, I don't think that's really a factor...you drive an SUV, which is raised higher in general, with an I-4 mounted high in the front of the car. Your tire weighs like 40 pounds at most and your engine weighs at least 400-500 pounds."
Stan: "...Oh...I guess. I still think my tire screws with it."
Me: "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

9. Stan tried to have a competition with me about cars and offroad capability. Specifically about skid plates on cars. With me. I drive a fucking Jeep, motherfucker. Yes, I have skid-fucking-plates. No, of course your shitty compact crossover SUV wouldn't have skid plates, it doesn't even have a good engine. Now shut your goddamn mouth until you say something else short-bussy and quotable.

10. HE DRIVES SO BADLY 2 PEOPLE IN THE CAR GOT MOTION SICK. He would like....JERK the wheel 30 degrees to go against a smooth curve in the road. He also doesn't see why you should slowly decelerate to stop signs...

11. Reread number 10.

Did you do that? Good.

Stan: "There are SO many BAD drivers on the road!!!"
Me: (I've gotten so motion sick, I've pretty much lost my internal monologue at this point)"....Wow. I was about to say something very mean."
X: "Yeah, I totally agree."

12. Stan: "We're here! We're at the finish line!"

Stan then tried to give a high five to Intern X. By placing his hand literally in front of her boobs. It was dead quiet in the car for like 10 seconds. Then she moved his hand away...and he punched her flirtingly in the arm.

13. Stan: "Whenever you see me talking to a random person, I probably know them."

You wish Stan. More likely, you're bothering them, especially when you find out you have less than 3 degrees of separation from them.

14. Manager, as we're following the car Stan's in: "I can tell he's in there by the shape of his head."

15. In an elevator with Stan:
Intern South1: "Oh yeah, he's the person I was telling you about."
Intern South2: "Eh?"
IS1: "He's like a plant version of Alex."
IS2: "Oh. I mean, uh, good!"

16. We were walking through the airport when I saw some pretty awesome architecture. I started my previsualization so that I could imagine the shot before I took it. I made this kinda obvious as I slowed my walking down and started looking around.

Stan, after watching me for like 30 seconds, turned to Intern X and said "This architecture looks pretty significant." And whipped his phone out in like 2 seconds before I could even open my bag. Possibly to make it seem like I was copying his shots to the rest of the (very tardy) group.

I try not to see too much of Stan this summer, I feel very uncomfortable around him.

Renew!

More posts!

1. Stan talked constantly about how his 21st birthday was coming up. Mostly to the twins. He then looked up the caloric value of beer and debated drinking since he didn't want a beer belly.

2. Stan told this to some of us:

"Hey, I just had a brilliant idea! You know how they keep complaining that it costs more to make a penny than it's worth? Well why not get some chemical engineers in there and have them make it cheaper? I'm going to be so successful when I'm in the business world."

3. He also said this to people who were not me. Nor were they in earshot of me because I would've ripped him a new one. Especially with a post that comes later!

"I almost saved the company I co-oped for half a million dollars. Too bad they said it was against the rules. Darn patents and stuff."

4. A lot of people were in a small apartment having a party. Like 20 people? With alcohol? On a 93+ degree day.

Girl that Stan has been hitting on pretty much every single time I see them together: "It's really hot in here."
Stan: "It's because I'm here."

5. Same girl as in Number 4 drives a 10 year old beat up Subaru. Stan said it'd be cool to pimp.

6. Stan was wearing the shirt with distillation columns at work and decided to tell everyone else about how much better our major is TO people. And explaining why the shirt was so good.

7. Stan eavesdropped on a conversation about computers and started talking about his work computer and all the programs it has. Which, by extension, are all the programs that EVERYONE has. And if they don't have them? Clicking like 4 links gets them downloaded.

8. Lastly! Remember number 3?

Young Manager 1: "Did Stan cause a Quality Incident last fall?"
Young Manager 2: "I don't think so, since if he did, he would not get invited back this summer."

Stan's former officemate: "Now remember, if you do run anything, say, you run an experiment to test a new kind of glue. Make sure that you put the product on hold or else it becomes a QI and there's all kinds of trouble."
Girl now working in Stan's former department: "Has that ever happened before?"
SFO: "Stan did it last fall."

Remember, as co-ops, companies are legally bound to let us serve 2 terms.

Enjoy!